My life, 2010.

I don’t watch that much TV. That’s my rationale, ya know? For not having cable. “I don’t watch that much TV.”  “I don’t need to pay for it.” “I can watch all my shows on basic channels/the internet”. etc.

So when I do watch TV, I’d like to think that the shows resonate a little bit more with me. That I’m not as glazed over as the average TV watcher.

Let me be honest: I only watch so many shows on TV. Mondays, I watch Sunday’s Dexter (0nline). Tuesdays, I catch Glee. Thursdays? Grey’s Anatomy. And every once in a while, I stay up a lil later to watch Private Practice. Now, I haven’t really been a big PP fan since like, Season 2. But I check in every once in a while (because I love Shonda Rhimes and all she does). But tonight’s episode threw me though. Hard.

Let me explain.

2010 has not been a great year for me, or my family for that matter. To be honest, this year has been uniquely characterized by all manner of painful and difficult experiences. And being the type of person that I am, I stuffed it all back in a corner of my head, did my best not to think about all of it, basically was as avoidant as anybody could possibly be. Because that’s how I deal. I can’t really do anything about that, it’s just my process. I have trouble facing things head on, I compartmentalize as much as possible until I can pretend to deal with it.

So seeing this episode (Season 4, Ep. 7) really brought up a lot of things for me. (No, I’m not going into detail, because these stories are not mine to share. I’m here to share my responses only.) My line of work (examining PTSD in a low income population) deals a lot with the “confrontation” of trauma. Which has happened to me. And seeing others confronted with such things affects me a lot more strongly these days.  Seeing the character Charlotte so vehemently opposing the idea of facing what happened to her really struck me, because I can understand where she’s coming fr0m.

I’ve had those same thoughts. These things aren’t supposed to happen to me. This type of heartache belongs to someone else. This isn’t supposed to be part of my story. I don’t want people to identify me as that person: the person who went through that.

But it did. On some level, it is mine to bear, it is, and those who know, will. Now, though these things haven’t happened directly to me, it’s still been burned into the pages of my life history. I’m “the daughter of that person who….” . I’m “the girl whose sister….”. I “know a person who….”.

And it’s a weight. I’ve been dragging these extra stories around behind me for months in some cases, and they love popping up at random times when I’m just trying to enjoy a TV show.

I guess the important thing is that I realize that there are time when I need to realize that the reason they pop up is that I need to acknowledge that these things are events that I need to confr0nt, need to come to terms with, because until I do, they’re going to continue to keep popping up.  The sooner I accept certain things as a part of MY year, not just a year in my life, the better. To those in my life who have been through unspeakable hardships this year, know that I love you. I’m dealing/coping in my way. I may not process it exceptionally, but I’m trying, and I’m here.

****This post doesn’t serve much purpose but to express how I’ve been dealing with family shtuff over the past few months. Apologies if you feel in the dark. I just needed to get this out.****

♥