moment of clarity.

I woke up early this Saturday morning with way too much on my mind.

Like, obnoxiously early, considering I was out til 4 am the night before. It was still kind of dark out, but I couldn’t sleep, so I fumbled for shoes and sweats and Tiger’s leash, and we went out for a walk. (I think he could tell that I wasn’t in the mood for his shenanigans, he was so calm on the leash for once in his life, I’m grateful to him for that.)

I spent the hour of our walk contemplating a lot of things, namely the last 4 years + change that I’ve invested in what I had convinced myself was growing and moving forward. I consciously and continuously ignored that voice in the back of my head rattling off those annoying cliche phrases we’ve all heard a million times. I told myself i just needed to put in more work. more effort. more time. more understanding. more more more more more.

It took till that saturday morning for me to step back and realize that after putting in so much, my return was frustratingly absent. It seemed with every step “I” took forward, “us” took a few back. I can’t honestly say I didn’t see it coming, I willfully and arrogantly ignored it. Told myself it was getting better, as the distance took bigger and bigger chunks out of what was.

And it hit me, I shouldn’t have to work this hard. Not when I’m doing it alone. Not when I’m contradicting the self-love, self-integrity, and self-respect that I’ve worked so hard to cultivate and nurture in myself. It’s been a long time coming for me to truly begin to understand what I want out of life, so why was I ignoring it?

To whom it may concern: I’m disappointed it had to get to this point, but I realize that I was unwilling to see what was in front of me, smacking me in the face. Doing my best to put my anger aside. I realize that in my neurotic maintenance of “us”, i forgot about “me”. But it doesn’t do anybody any good for me to harbor the guilt, the pain, or the anger anymore. And I can’t ignore what the inevitable next step is.

So I did what I should have done a while ago. I let it go.

I made it to the next street corner,  me and Tiger turned around, and went home.

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2 Responses to “moment of clarity.”

  1. Veronica Says:

    wait whaaaat?

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