“Friends… How many of us have them?”

Above quote: Whodini – “Friends”. Bravo if you knew it without Googling it lol.

Who can you really trust these days?

Heavy question, I know, folks. But it’s one that personally, I keep on my mind on a pretty frequent basis. Call me guarded, but I keep very few friends. I have tons of acquaintances, which is the result of being a naturally outgoing person (I’m a Leo, what can I say lol). I enjoy the company of others, I’m rather personable, I can make nice with people easily and comfortably. But  that doesn’t mean that we’re “friends”.

It may seem callous, but I’ve had a lot of “friendly fire” in my history, and as a result, I make a point to distrust first. I am not the one to bond with a person immediately, at least not to the point where you get access to my inner thoughts and views and feelings without passing several critical tests. I’ll say it again, I’m guarded. Those friends who I have realized I can trust, I trust unconditionally. But It’s not like they got to that point easily. My inner circle is comprised of people who I have a natural ease with, people who I have known for ages, or people who have never given me any reason to distrust them.

Everyone else on the other hand… I don’t trust easy. I take small things to heart, because those small things between friends can really explode sometimes. Little misdeeds and tiny tells of disloyalty, those types of things are HUGE to me, because all it takes is one episode for me to realize that that person is not deserving of my trust.

Now don’t get me wrong, I would like to have lots and lots of people that I feel I could reliably depend on, but sadly, that’s not the way life works. Personally, people lose my trust much more easily than they gain it.  #truestory: people can be shady as hell.

Which is why my “inner circle” is so small. If  I had to count, I would have less than 10 people that I know would be there for me no matter what, through anything. And I love them more than they know. But at this point in my life,  I don’t really know that I could add more people to that list. Now that I’ve finally, recently become more aware not only of the person that I am, but the person I aspire to be, I realize that I need to be more discerning as far as the people who I unconditionally allow to get to that deepest part of who I am. And I’m not sure if that many of my acquaintances fit the bill.

Maybe I’m predisposing myself to some level of loneliness. But I dunno if overpopulating my life is worth having people in it that I can’t trust. (Does that make sense? Hopefully lol.) I don’t think it’s loneliness. Rather, I think it’s insurance that those precious few who I intend to maintain relationships with are the BEST, the cream of the crop, and those most likely to have my best interests in mind.

It’s just difficult for me to let people in I suppose. And beyond that, even more difficult to let people back in. I have a lot of difficulty forgetting, though I may forgive (or at least act civil) in most cases rekindling that relationship takes a LOT for me.

Maybe I need to be more open, more trusting, and maybe that will come with age, life, and experience. But at the moment, I’m too wonderfully aware of myself to deal with the uncertainty of others.

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