I’m not scared of Lions and Tigers and Bears….

Sitting here in the dark. My itty-bitty apartment lit only by the glow of my laptop screen. I probably should be sleeping, or studying, but like so many nights, I find myself being internally nagged by fear. Not those concrete wild-animal-with-sharp-teeth or large-overwhelming-crowds-of people or dizzying-heights or even spiders types of fear. Rather, the abstract, hard to pin down fears about, well, damn near everything. And of course this is the type of feeling that only comes around when you’re alone, wound up in nobody’s thoughts or opinions except your own. Because we’re all our own worst critics, aren’t we?

Could I be getting overly dramatic? Entirely likely lol. But I can’t be the only one who sits up some nights, unable to sleep because that pit in my stomach refuses to be quelled by any amount of my head’s reassurances. Right?

On some levels, and to some degree, we each have fears of something. I mean even Superman had Kryptonite, right? But I’ve come to realize that something I struggle with is being able to be vulnerable around people. I’m so loath to let people take advantage of me (because sadly, if given the chance, so many people will) that I never let anybody see everything. I can honestly say that when it comes to my percieved shortcomings and fears, there isn’t a soul on earth that can say that they know the whole list, and that’s kind of sad, isn’t it? I mean it’s not like I don’t have people I know I can confide in and who will support me, but I always find myself holding back those last few details.

At the heart of it is a big old tangled mess of insecurities, which if they were revealed to the world, would quite literally leave nothing to the imagination. Could I withstand having all my secrets and nooks and crannies laid bare for the entire world to see? Do I want anybody to know EVERYTHING about me? Or maybe is it better to retain some mystery, something that only me myself knows, so that I alone have the full grasp of my abilities, my shortcomings, my fears, my pitfalls? Is there a reason why the concept of allowing others to know me, I mean REALLY know me, elicits fear? Sadly, I don’t know.

On the one hand, there of course are things and thoughts and feelings and troublesome life experiences that I want the world to know about. I wouldn’t be pouring my heart out on the internet if that wasn’t the case, lol. But I don’t think I’m ready to let it allllll out. Not yet anyways. Someone famous or some movie once said “fear means you still have something to lose.” So as of now, as annoying and sleep-depriving as those nagging fears may be, their presence holds the promise of something else: that there is a part of me that belongs only to me, and it’s worth keeping to myself. Behind fear, lies something valuable to me. So in some dark and twisty way, the fear is a good thing. Definitely. Maybe. For now, anyways.

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