Always on my mind…


Every morning for the past 3 1/2 years, I woke up in the morning thinking about the same person. The alarm would go off, and as I approached consciousness (and blindly searched for the stupid alarm) the same though, same face, same person would flash in my head, my mind lingering just long enough on the most important features. 

Broad white smile. Almost-bald head. Broad strong shoulders. Deep brown eyes.

Needless to say, while recently I still start my days with those same images, I can’t help but notice a new quality to my early morning thoughts (although I’m so close to unconsciousness at that point that I don’t even know if they count as real “thoughts”). So much has changed about that brief moment before I wake up, but so much of those old feelings still exist: love, connectedness, longing. They’re still there, but are all outlined with something new: uncertainty, indecisiveness, mistrust, or something like that. 

I’m haunted by a constant, daily reminder of what was, what is, and what may or not be tomorrow. How do I decide whether I want this morning reverie to continue, to change, or stop altogether? 

Scratch that. 

Erasing what was is definitely not an option. Figuring out how to move forward is really the task at hand. And I don’t know which way is the right “forward”. Either  I resolve myself to waking memories and nothing more, until they fade voluntarily, or I embrace the uncertainty with trepidation and open myself to make this choice, knowing it’s between everything I know I want, and the very thing that I absolutely dread. 

So this is where I am right now. Stuck. And until a solution reveals itself, I’ll go about my day. Go to bed. Wait until my alarm goes off. And start again from there. 



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