I need to come back to the middle…

So i just finished the book “A Million Little Pieces”, by James “I-Lied-To-Oprah” Frey lol. GREAT book, despite the fact that mmmm, about 10% of it is actual fact lol. The book of course centers on James’ slow and tumultuous recovery from over a decade of drug and alcohol addiction, as he makes new friends, confesses to the family he damaged, finds love, and heals himself along the way. I personally loved Frey’s writing style: it mimicked the pain and the hardships he was trying to convey: choppy, painful, and very truthful. It is really hard to believe that he didn’t actually experience these things, because he makes it sound so unbelievably present, like it’s happening right now, to YOU. I think the thing that stuck out most for me was his focus on serenity, and controlling the Fury incited by his addiction. There’s a quote he used, from a little book that allegedly got him through the tail end of his time in rehab: The Tao, that really stuck out to me:

“I open my eyes and I pick up the book and I read more. I read words like harmony, contentment, humility, understanding, intuition, nourishment. I read words like open, fluid, receptive, balanced, core. I read that if you close your mind in judgments and traffic in desire your heart will be troubled. I read that if you keep your mind from judging and aren’t led by the senses your heart will find peace. I read close your mouth, block your senses, blunt your sharpness. I read untie your knots soften your glare settle your dust. I read that if you want to know the whole World, look inside your heart. I set the book down I set it against my chest. I close my eyes my bed feels warm and soft against my back. I don’t move I just lie there warm and soft against my back. Quietly breathing. Thinking. Not Thinking. Of me. Of the world. As it is.”

It made so much sense, as simple as that passage was, as to how it helped him (allegedly) get through what was eating and gnawing at him trying to break him. What i got most out of it was the simple, resounding idea of serenity. not letting the outside world and it’s temptations lead you to waver from your true path, and letting everything around you be as it should. With all the hectic-ness of my life these days it’s been easy to stray from that idea, and instead try to fix and adjust everything that’s out of whack around me instead of just focusing on righting my own mistakes and letting the rest fall as it should. I have a bad habit of wanting to fix and edit everything around me, and I think that part of that is that I just don’t know how to let go and let things happen as they should. I’ve always held to tightly to the idea that if something is out of whack, it’s my responsibility to fix it, and this simple passage really resonated with me, by suggesting that my way of doing things is only going to make me more frustrated. As my old roommate would say, I need to learn to not give a fuck. lol. I’m too concerned with things I can’t change. I need to focus on what i can improve, me, and let the rest of it (which in the larger scheme, doesn’t matter as much as I used to think) be as it should.

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